Ora (oratahanga) wrote in thebeatbox,

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Existential Musings

I see all around me people trying to bring about change in the world. Do any of them care about the freedoms of others they are trying to sway? Who's right? Who's wrong? The answer for both is: no one... except yourself, if you choose it.

How do you empower people to do whatever they choose, when telling them they have choice could ruin their choice not to choose? Who am I to tell you how to live? Who am I to tell you who to be?

How does one maintain neutrality in a world full of sides?

And where's my main dish, when it seems everyone else young and old is being served?

I have challenged the norms of society to my detriment, and there is no going back. I didn't intend to sacrifice my privelege, and now I have next to nothing.

For months I've worried about being homeless. In essence, I am homeless.

Homeless in a world of male and female. Homeless in a world of fight or flight. Homeless in a world of right or left. Homeless in a world of change or submit. Homeless in a world of Man or nature. Homeless in a world where the essence of how the universe functions is ignored 99% of the time.

I cannot see myself having any useful function in society.

Were I a braver person, I would've killed myself during any one of the hundreds of times in my life I have considered suicide. But I am a complete and total coward, afraid of facing the world and telling it to wake up. I have so much trouble even waking myself up.

Recently I was told I am going through a dark night of the soul. Recently I was also told I am not going through a dark night of the soul.

In a world that continues to state that love is the key, does that mean I am a prisoner, doomed to solitary confinement? Am I just having prisoner's cinema? Is anything real?

Does this mean I'm so intelligent that I'm driving myself mad? Or perhaps it's that I'm so open-minded that I consider any conjecture on the nature of reality to be theoretically valid, since none of these conjectures offers proof?

Nothing is true. Nothing is certain. Everything is permitted. Everything has been done before.

There is a stark incongruity between the realities our brain is capable of creating and the reality we physically and energetically exist in, if it really exists at all.

Is a person sane when they are intelligent enough to con people into believing they are sane?

Or would a psychological profile reveal that I am nothing more than a lazy spoiled Gen-X/Y'er, complacent and apathetic to a world that priveleged me out of competancy?
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